Clueless, Costly Spooks

I’m reflecting these days on the early 80s, when the Cold War was in full swing, and Ronald Reagan declared the Soviet Union the Great Satan and chief enemy of United States of America.

It was difficult for me to think of the USSR as a threat to my existence once I met Muscovite Mikhail Ozerov at a newspaper editors’ gathering in Washington D.C. Mikhail, or Misha as he preferred to be called, showed up at a cocktail party hosted by Bob White, a newspaper publisher from, of all places, Mexico, MO (my home state). My husband John and I instantly bonded with Misha.

We had so much in common. We were journalists. We had daughters roughly the same age. We were interested in world events, public policy, and the nuances of the Cold War. We just liked each other, despite the all-out efforts of our respective nations to insist that we shouldn’t.

Misha was clearly nervous even as the night wore on, fearful of the watchful eyes of his countrymen who might report back to the authorities. John and I respected his cautiousness, so we left the party promising each other to exchange gifts for our daughters before he returned to Moscow.

We met again the next night in the downstairs cloakroom of the Soviet Embassy before a diplomatic reception. Misha brought a xylophone and Russian childrens' books for us; we gave him Barbie dolls. We were all thrilled to have pulled off such a clandestine rendezvous without Misha being caught and sent off to the Gulag.

John and I saw Misha and his wife Marita several times over the next few years in Moscow. We were struck by their ability to survive as well as they did in a planned economy and closed society.

Food was in short supply, the best hotel in Moscow had bedbugs, and customers stood in long lines at GUM, the “department store,” for hours just to find out what they might be able to buy. A gilt-edged 15-page restaurant menu at the National Hotel was a cruel joke, as there were really only two options: Beefsteak, or Chicken Kiev. And don’t even think of trying to get fed there after 9 p.m.

Moscow was clearly in disarray, and one can only assume things were no better anywhere across the continent.

After witnessing these fundamental failings, I couldn’t help but wonder: If it was crystal clear to me that the Soviet Union was a paper tiger, where in the hell was the CIA for the last 30 years and why couldn’t they figure out the Evil Empire was collapsing?

That’s why I don’t trust our spies, their covert operations in the Middle East or anywhere else, their assassinations, their renditions, and the taxpayer dollars they waste. Just send me and my husband on a mission. We’ll hook up with Misha and Marita and tell you anything you need to know. And we’ll work on the cheap.